It’s been a mentally exhausting week. So shall offload here.
Received word just before I was sleeping on Tuesday that an acquaintance had passed on. He was younger than me, and we had so many mutual friends given the fact that we both played music and were from the same religious organisation.
I haven’t encountered a death of a friend who was this close to me. They are usually of people either older, or who I’d just known by sight – not someone who I had a photo with and communicated occasionally over the initial years.
The last message I had from this 小弟 was actually last year when he asked me about my Instagram handle.
A lot of us from the orchestra got to know him via his percussion teacher, who used to be my section senior. We all knew him from that big event, where everyone were in high spirits and we just took photos with many people including some local celebs. I still remember that few days clearly. He had a lot of things going for him and I always thought he would have a great future.
Rest in peace Jacob. Thanks for being the positive younger friend that so many of us had the chance to know.
When things like this happen, we can’t help to think why or what happened. I don’t know if it is due to age, or because I have a new focus now (motherhood), that I was able to easily discard these thoughts of “what happened” whenever they came.
Then was the other expectation that I have to trust people who had broken it because of their history. Unfortunately for this, I have to protect myself and my son, even if it comes from within family. The trust was broken when I was at one of my lowest, and this is not something that I can easily build back or convince myself that it is OK. In fact, it makes me even more anxious, knowing the cause of it.
I am after all human, and if anything, it is just a few months since the series of incidents and I have to take time to heal and come to terms with things too.
That’s all from my mental load this week.