I went for Audrey’s paternal Grandma’s wake today. The setting was similar as always, and Kenneth, Peishan and I had some dialogue with her mum. It was rather inspiring and encouraging, and I really really applaud Audrey’s mum as her faith is really strong and makes me want to be like her in future (if I
will ever be a parent).
Anyway, got kinda sad just now after I came home.
The wake reminded me of 公公.
I decided to write him a letter here:
For some reason I kept thinking that it was 8 years ago that you passed away. Then I counted back and realised that it has been 9, almost 10 years since you were gone. If you were alive how old would you be now? 93 I think? It’s been so long!
I wondered what you would say if you were still alive, how you would feel to see 5 of us now who have graduated from Uni. When you were around, William was the only Graduate, and now there are 5 of us (and counting!) Perhaps I was too young then before you were gone, but cousins Alvin and Benny have told me how much you 注重 education. You would have been proud. 🙂
You may wonder why they would tell me that. It’s because of what happened then, and I really still haven’t forgiven myself. Sometimes I think I did, and then I remember that day, and tears will well up in my eyes once again. I will be transported back to the day when I missed your cremation.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that because I’ve been through this kind of pain, that’s why I will tell my friends not to miss their relatives (especially grandparents) cremation, unless there’s really really no choice. After so long, it still affects me, bad enough to just have no mood to do anything.
I hope you are proud of your grandchildren! All of us! We all turned out well and good people. I am in fact very proud of everyone of us, for we are brought up with good principles, no doubt with your influence on our parents.
I remember when we were kids I would ask my mum how to talk to you. Like whether I can tell you this and that, and if I can speak English to you. Mum said that you can understand English, and I remembered being happy about it. You were always very quiet from what I remember, sitting there and watching TV, with your cup of water/tea, in your singlet and black pants.
I dreamt of you a few times, and woke up crying afterwards, because I really do miss you, and I wished that I’d known you better, or at least enjoy your presence more.
Your passing made me appreciate people even more. As well as the importance of properly sending of people. Sometimes we need some kind of closure with death, and somehow I still haven’t moved through that portion…
公公, I can only say that I have been praying for you all these years, and I hope that you have been reborn into a good family, with good principles like what you had when you were around. Please take care and I promise I will move forward about this. It has been 10 years and I know you won’t want me to keep thinking and blaming myself.