Feeling pretty down these few days I really don’t know why. PMS perhaps?
Couldn’t sleep properly the past 2 nights. The only time when I felt comfortable enough to sleep was when I was at my bf’s room, but yet I’m not sure if I’m allowed to stay over >.< Sometimes I'm just really confused about things, about my thoughts. I just want to sleep and rest (wished weekdays are longer!), instead of working my ass off everyday, and paying bills. I keep thinking that I am not good enough, whether for myself or for my bf. I feel like I keep disappointing everyone and that people are gonna leave me soon.
I need to fight this, plus I'm burning out.
Some of the things that I am appreciative of today
- My family: Even though I'm the only one working now, we are all healthy, safe and sound
- My bf: For being there despite me being not my usual self lately.
- Midnight: For cheering me up with the little things, and also letting me hug him lol
- My job: Despite all the
- Myself: For being alive and still wanting to fight to be positive again.
Maybe, I am just tired. And I think I need to chant more.
Someone once asked me, if I had all the money in the world and can pick what I want to do with my free time, what would I do? I answered then that I would sit and play the cello whole day.
This answer has since changed, and well, not much of a diff, but I would choose to do music.
But then, with my lack of skill, talent and time, I’m stuck with doing what I next do best (and enjoy) – Web development.
The past week has been hectic, with me almost breaking down and thankfully my bf knows what to say and tell me. I realise that sometimes, work has to be placed second, or third, or fourth, and that there ARE other things in life.
A few things on my plate now (in no order):
Took an MC today due to a bad headache and impending flu. Not a bad rest today, with love bringing me porridge.
Working on a new personal project now. Doing lots of research. Haha But the best thing is that I’m having fun.
Yesterday followed Eugene to a wyd:syd jamming/practice session. Basically it’s what I expected it to be: awesome. As an outsider, all I could do was to be as invisible as possible. Honestly I was just listening and grabbing whatever I can learn from them and the drummer Jared as much as possible. Lol.
For the first time when I woke up this morning, I understood that feeling of regret that I think I felt from a friend when we watched wyd:syd play at Zouk. For the first time, I don’t want to tell others that I know someone who played at this or that show; that someone who did this or that. I want to be that someone. While walking to the bus stop, I remembered the words that my friend Mei Yun once told me when I met her one of the sundays a few weeks ago: “Life is short. Do all the things that you want to now before you don’t get the chance.”
Maybe it’s time I take my music plans one more step forward.
By the way, check out wyd:syd at their Bandcamp page: http://www.wydsyd.bandcamp.com. Listen to Leaves and be wow-ed. They’re the winner of the SIM-UOL Music Fest Continuum 2013 🙂
Just had the realisation that as someone playing music, we always compare ourselves with others. In a competition, it is never how good that one band is, but it is always subjective to how the previous band was. This has been kinda instilled in me since secondary school band days.
So i just realised that being with a musician much better than me has made me want to push myself forward much more, because in comparison to Eugene, i’m one with lesser chances of making it in the non-classical/symphonic band scene. Problem is that I feel that somehow, my trying to work on things have a really lower success rate.
Finished watching Beck yesterday, and in it was a scene where the band leader was being chided by his friend for breaking the band up. And all the guy thought of was that he wanted to be successful because he promised his friend (who happens to be the lead guitarist of a famous band) so.
Can’t help but think that sometimes, we focus too much on the end result (being successful) that we end up sacrificing people along the way. Sacrificing things and time is ok. But people? Do we really want to do it this way? They may not be good enough or may be flawed now, but do we not give them a chance? Of course, if nothing improves after giving them chances it’s another story. But sometimes our impatience on being successful will throw people out of our lives and turn us into people that lose our own principles
Let’s hope i won’t be like this.
On another note, I really want to be like those second percussionists who play with a major band. Those who do all the other smaller percussion instrument and sound effects (e.g. tambourine, triangle, bongos).
I see people being kicked out of their organisations due to issues with people just right above them.
Nice people have to leave because of people above them, and some people just show their ugly true colours just to save their own ass. They don’t even admit that it’s their fault.
I’m facing something at work, and it’s hard to stay positive or objective. The first main reason would be that if the person is not in the same life condition as you, he/she will never listen anyways. And that sucks to the max. No logic = no understanding. They don’t understand you, there’s no point. They want an explanation, we give them, but they still demand for more.
Don’t know if anyone understands?
Felt a little left out yesterday. No connection with anyone.
I realise that once in a while, I fall into that stupid trap that makes me get negative and negative and negative. I spent the most of last night thinking about what I should do and why I would fall into that trap. And it’s just very simple: I want more things and am not thankful of the things that I have.
I’d just came across a quote the other day which I guess serves as a warning to me that I didn’t heed.
After yesterday’s wake up call (which in order to keep the privacy of it and all, I would like to remind my future self to remember the pooh letters), I would say that fear is a really horrible strong feeling that creates unnecessary thoughts. I should constantly remind myself, Fear -> Hate -> Anger -> Pain and Suffering. I think I also need more daimoku.
I haven’t been sooo negative in a long time, which is honestly scary. >.< I really want to thank the person who gave me that wake up call. You know you are reading this. 🙂
Anyway, I think I should schedule this once a month in order to bring myself back to the positives.
I may not list down everything, but at least as much as I can think of.
Things that I am appreciative of today
- My family: That we are all healthy and not broken
- My extended relatives: That we are all still in positive contact and communicating
- Eugene: That I have a boyfriend who fills the gap that I have in my life and being the other piece of me. For taking care of me constantly and being there all the time. (Where can you find another such awesome person? Nowhere.) And that he is healthy and patient, and so many things.
- Midnight: For being in my family and accepting the fact that he is staying with humans. And for being there sometimes when I need a hug hehe
- Faith: For being the pet that we can just look at and chat with when we need a listening ear (sounds emo but it's nottt)
- SNCO: For being there every week and for giving me loads of opportunities when it comes to performing
- SSA: For giving me the chance to know awesome people who can help me with my issues
- My friends: For being there when I need them and when they need me.
- My job: For giving me lots of chance to learn how to be more sociable instead of being in my shell. For being able to meet new people, and for being able to give me the allowance that I need.
- Myself: For constantly trying to strive to become better, as much as I know that I am not perfect. For wanting to be healthy and better. For being alive and not suffering from any major health issues.
Look forward, look forward. The past is the past. I have so many things to be happy about and I shouldn't be sad or scared. If things come, they come. There is nothing to fear 🙂