1) Official photographer for SD Kenshu 2011
One of the best experiences ever, and got to make new friends and learn from them!
Thanks Benjamin, Ghim Seng and Jovien!
2) My relationship status changed
This happened on 24 March 2011. I remember the pain then, but thankfully I can’t feel it right now. After all the truths were presented to me. Status now dropped to acquaintances. I don’t think he has all the right values anymore. I wish his new girl all the best, if that is how his character is.
3) I scored the best results in my final semester
4) Graduated with 2nd Lower Honours
Mmm. CAP improved as well!
5) Shared my testimonial at NUSSD O&G
Topics were on my grades and also how the breakup changed me for the better.
6) Found a full-time job
7) Passed Buddhist Study exams
8 ) Planned and executed SNCO Photobook project
9) Joined SD Wings and got to work on 2 publications
Hopefully in future I can contribute more. Because I feel I am still quite new with this.
Thanks Yin Jie, Tin Lay.
10) Spent 12 days in Hong Kong
ooo I haven’t blogged about this. But yea, had an awesome load of fun!! Check out Facebook for pics.
Thank you Audrey, Bi Neng, Tommy and Tricia!
11) Tried fishing at a kelong
And I enjoyed it!
12) Arranged music and we performed it!
Marry You by Bruno Mars
13) Became closer to more people
I didn’t exactly neglect my friends, but now I feel the need to be closer to them. I must remember not to focus my whole world on my future relationships. Not that it is not important, but if it is what I am revolving around, it is wrong.
14) Westlife!
But they split up… =(
15) Started learning the cello
Still waiting for my own though.
Lessons have been awesome!
Wonder what my 2012 will be like. Some plans are already formulating in my head!!
Funny how now when I listen to this song, I don’t think of the past but my current situation. The not-sure-what-the-future-is situation. lol
Anyway, I hope this will be the last time I blog about this.
I still do think of the past once in a while, and that I offered to give this person a family, extended family that he never had, shared my parents and things, my life with him. And after everything this person just decided that “Oh, I shall just move on with life.”
I was wondering why someone would so easily just let me go, vs other guys who cannot accept the breakup easily, and I realised that it isn’t about a guy vs girl thing, but rather, the fact that he didn’t give in emotionally. He is in his own world. Sure, I do know his parents, his sister, his sister’s in-laws, but that was it. Nothing else was shared with me. He doesn’t contact his extended family (despite me encouraging him to, but then again they’re complicated), he doesn’t even want to teach me the cello or guitar (I did ask, in case you guys think I’m like trying to let him try to read my mind – NO). We created our own world, where I think I am more friends with his friends than him.
Sure, he has his friends too, but sad to say, I don’t know his closest friends. On one hand, he kept telling me that they aren’t good people, on the other hand he hangs out with them every week. And he also keeps telling me that they feel he shouldn’t be with me because I always check on him (e.g. asks if he’s home coz he would stay out really late, or remind him to go home earlier because he has church the next day).
But whatever, I found out his lies, and that he lied to me. So I’m not gonna care anymore. I’m quite curious to hear what his friends will say about his new gf. lol.
I’d actually written the above about 1 week ago, and am continuing this now.
2011. What a year definitely. I would say that I wasted 3 years + of my life in a relationship that didn’t have any value in it. Okay, value that I got was definitely what I shouldn’t do in my next relationship, and the people that I shouldn’t be with. Quite sad to say that I definitely wasted a lot of time that I could have used it on better things to do. Sure, we looked and things at the same direction and also encouraged each other, but our lives couldn’t be more different. I was being led by a leash on many things. I spent too much time idling at his house, and he, on his games. There wasn’t any value. I feel that in relationships, we should have created more things together that would make our lives more beneficial, but looking back, there aren’t any.
I remembered Audrey once telling me that she felt that after the 80th anniversary celebrations, her life has been improving. That time I told her that mine went downhill after it, but now, I think it was a turning point and change of karma for me. My life, once that deadlock has been relased, has been improving. Sure, there are hardships, but after that deadlock, there’s nothing that cannot be solved with NMRK. Took me one hard lesson to learn how true Buddhism is.
I set a few goals for myself last year, and as a review, they are:
Graduate from NUS – DONE
Find a job – DONE
Have at least 20k in my bank account – FAIL
Visit Australia – 2012?
Visit Hong Kong – DONE
Get Grade 8 in Music Theory (ABRSM) – Decided to drop this
Exercise more
Stay healthy
Share more about Buddhism
Compile a photobook for SNCO’s 10th anniversary – DONE
Not too bad I must say
Of course, I finally got to actually learn the cello!!! Ahh!! Still am in awed of the mystic law to how things turned out with this, being able to learn from someone who I really think is good
Things I want to do:
Improve in percussion skills (work consistently)
Play cello well (and seriously)
Be a better person to my family and friends
Do more kosen-rufu
More exposure to live music
live life fuller
Travel to 2 countries
Stay healthier
Work on 1 major photography project
Have at least 20k in my bank accounts
Be able to communicate better
Hit my commission consistently at work
Anyway, had major change of plans today as Desmond’s brother was hospitalised. Going for a DMKK instead of photography outing as originally planned. Pray that he is okay
I think it was the 5th lesson. haha. dunno. Been enjoying all my lessons so far that time flies really fast between each lesson and even during lesson itself. Was kinda scared still until last lesson for some reason which I cannot comprehend. Perhaps because I chanted for it.
Yesterday’s lesson was supposed to be at my place (and first afternoon lesson as well), but about 30mins before my lesson, my teacher called to ask if I could go over to his place. So I immediately packed the cello and went over! This cello’s endpin was pretty loose and it just dropped out when I stepped on the bus -.- then the cello case seems to be falling apart… =/ Think should get a new case soon I hope!
Anyway, lesson yesterday was the first time I get to read notes and play together. It’s pretty tough I should say. Have to take note of the bowing direction, intonation, notes, fingering on the strings, which string to play. Wahhh.. I almost wanted to cry man. My brain is definitely very slow. And I took a long sigh and my teacher was surprised and looked at me saying, “oh my god are you stressed? Don’t stress!” Lol.
Anyway i have like 7 things to practice from what teacher lent me…
Posted by Jasmine on Dec 22, 2011 in Life, Thoughts
I haven’t posted much pictures, so shall do a post with pictures!!
Last week (Friday), went to Melissa’s place for dinner! Haha. I was one of the last few to be there, so ended up feeling a bit odd. And played with Melissa’s dog named “Girl-girl”. She responses to her name and loves “head massages”. hahaha. So funny. Anyway here’s a group pic!
Talked to Melissa’s dad. Or rather, her dad talked to me. It’s amazing how 1 year ago he was in coma and everything, and now he’s all lively, and telling me about his testimonials, the gosho, etc. I didn’t really want to stop him from talking and everything so I just sat there and listened.
Saturday saw me going to Yong Rui’s Zone GM. I felt kinda bad because my sis was performing at our own zone GM and I chose to go to other people’s zone GM to watch others perform. But I’d actually fought with myself about this decision for a while. And it’s mainly between 3 things: SNCO, my own zone GM and Yong Rui’s. All happened at the same time.
The final decision was made because I felt that I should go to a Zone GM, and that since my family were going to our own GM, I decided to go to another. Trust me, 1 year ago, I would have chosen to just go for SNCO and not bother with any of the decision.
It is an improvement!
When I reached HQ, I met Jia Hao, Melissa, and then found Tommy taking a nap, and was introduced to Yong Rui’s gf by Pei Shan. Actually, I think I’d only met Yong Rui once before?
Anyway, as someone not classically trained in music (read: noob), I really enjoyed their performance (piano and double bass). Really interesting. I definitely need to up all these listening skills (after listening to what Mr Lim told me).
Anyway, we took some pics!
I took Denelle (Yong Rui’s gf) taking a pic of them.
So today Doris and I had a little dinner and a long chat. We talked about our life in 2011, what we learnt, what we did. It’s really good to have a friend who actually knows you for a while and can share anything with. thanks Doris! (She too, said that as compared to before, I seemed much happier now than when I was in a relationship. Audrey said so too. So did Crystal.)
And I spontaneously decided to change my Facebook relationship status. At first, I didn’t want to let others know because I didn’t want the drama. Then I decided that it was because the ex and I talked about it, and that we agreed to let each other know.
Now? I’m just sick of people asking me about him, about when I was getting married, what future plans I had.
I am single, people!
So the change of status on Facebook is more to do a public service announcement that I am single. And that no more plans are in place.
Finally, at least I can shout this out and not care much about it. It was the final step.
Anyway, I got a scolding from my colleague (one of my best buddies colleagues wise, but yea) about how I think so much about this whole relationship status change on Facebook. His point was that obviously people don’t give a damn about me, so why should I even care about the conversation and agreement I had (yes it kinda affected a bit of my moral compass but who cares? Not him!) He has obviously moved on (might I even add, BEFORE he came back to Singapore to “settle” this) and why should I even care?
I was kaypoh and btw found out that he lied to me about not dating anyone BEFORE settling the whole thing in July. I really want to thank him, for opening my eyes to what people can do. Yes, I learnt in Buddhism that things may be dormant in someone until something manifests it. Last time I used to blame myself for it, now I guess it’s his personality.
And of course, karma. I don’t really think we’re meant to be together in this case.
If there’s one thing that I truly believe in, it’s that our choices make us who we are.
The above lyrics got me thinking whenever I hear the song The One That Got Away (one of my favourite Katy Perry songs other than Thinking of You).
“In another life, I would make you stay. So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away.”
There must be a reason to why the writer of the song didn’t let the person stay in this life and let him go.
We all know that.
If in a relationship, the person wants to leave, and we find no reason on making him/her stay, there is definitely a reason to it.
Since we chose to walk down this path, and let the person get away, it is our choice. Sure in another life we would do that, but this is what I’ve chosen. I didn’t make you stay, it’s my choice. It is who I am, it is my life.
I went for Audrey’s paternal Grandma’s wake today. The setting was similar as always, and Kenneth, Peishan and I had some dialogue with her mum. It was rather inspiring and encouraging, and I really really applaud Audrey’s mum as her faith is really strong and makes me want to be like her in future (if I
will ever be a parent).
Anyway, got kinda sad just now after I came home.
The wake reminded me of 公公.
I decided to write him a letter here:
Dear 公公,
For some reason I kept thinking that it was 8 years ago that you passed away. Then I counted back and realised that it has been 9, almost 10 years since you were gone. If you were alive how old would you be now? 93 I think? It’s been so long!
I wondered what you would say if you were still alive, how you would feel to see 5 of us now who have graduated from Uni. When you were around, William was the only Graduate, and now there are 5 of us (and counting!) Perhaps I was too young then before you were gone, but cousins Alvin and Benny have told me how much you 注重 education. You would have been proud.
You may wonder why they would tell me that. It’s because of what happened then, and I really still haven’t forgiven myself. Sometimes I think I did, and then I remember that day, and tears will well up in my eyes once again. I will be transported back to the day when I missed your cremation.
I don’t know what to do. All I know is that because I’ve been through this kind of pain, that’s why I will tell my friends not to miss their relatives (especially grandparents) cremation, unless there’s really really no choice. After so long, it still affects me, bad enough to just have no mood to do anything.
I hope you are proud of your grandchildren! All of us! We all turned out well and good people. I am in fact very proud of everyone of us, for we are brought up with good principles, no doubt with your influence on our parents.
I remember when we were kids I would ask my mum how to talk to you. Like whether I can tell you this and that, and if I can speak English to you. Mum said that you can understand English, and I remembered being happy about it. You were always very quiet from what I remember, sitting there and watching TV, with your cup of water/tea, in your singlet and black pants.
I dreamt of you a few times, and woke up crying afterwards, because I really do miss you, and I wished that I’d known you better, or at least enjoy your presence more.
Your passing made me appreciate people even more. As well as the importance of properly sending of people. Sometimes we need some kind of closure with death, and somehow I still haven’t moved through that portion…
公公, I can only say that I have been praying for you all these years, and I hope that you have been reborn into a good family, with good principles like what you had when you were around. Please take care and I promise I will move forward about this. It has been 10 years and I know you won’t want me to keep thinking and blaming myself.
Ryan is leaving for taiwan tomorrow (or rather today).It has been a few confusing months.
The weeks that we didnt know if Ryan will be coming back was sad, coz we know that his family, gf is in Singapore. He’d basically stayed here for more than 10 years.
Then it became exciting, when boss told us that he will be back.
The week he came back, i felt shock, disappointment, not so much of anger thoigh, when i knew that ryan was splitting up with elizabeth.
6years… 6 years they’ve been together… And I just don’t get it when people just decide to split in that one moment. That one moment when all the plans are nought, when 1 become 2, trust become lies, everything gets reset to 0.
They both went through a lot togethr.. Especially that hk trip earlier this year where the both of them stood by each other when they got food poisoning… I saw how much they had together then… And everything is just over.
Then things that he said can’t be trusted. It seems like we don’t know the person anymore.
Had a chat with val and elizabeth today… Kinda enlightening… Really learnt sone stuff from valerine too.
Its the first time in ages that i drank beer while chatting (not at a pub). And beer i think is bitter for a reason…
My brain was randomly thinking about why I like certain kind of people, and anyway, I was going through about a person I have in mind, that I realised that for some reason, made me think back of why I thought the ex was attractive and “my type”.
His character or how I took to him as my type only probably lasted till he went to the army. Afterwards, I liked him because of his patience, and probably because I thought he loved me.
Now that I look at him from this “other side of someday”, obviously during the relationship I started to get tired of his weaknesses. Of course, I did my best to accept them (else I wouldn’t have stayed for so long), look at the positive side of him, but I think obviously it didn’t work. Especially when all his negative points manifested even stronger due to the distance.
I was talking to Ryan that day, and he told me to stop looking for people who will have to go overseas for a period of time, because one was enough for me. And based on his own experience, distance doesn’t work, unless you probably have the money and time to go over. That is rather true, and it breaks my heart to really have to accept it unless otherwise.
Whatever. Shall make use of the current time now, because the future will always change.
At least now I know what type of people I can live with.
Kinda in the mood to blog today after reading Martin’s blog entry. haha. I dunno why, but yea at the moment all I only want to do is write something here!
So many thoughts! So many thoughts! Where do I start?
Okay shall start with yesterday!
Last night after work, I met up with Tiang Peng from the now defunct “Peng Peng Says” blog. In his heyday, he was nominated for the SG Blog Awards. I forgot to ask him why he closed it down. Probably lack of time perhaps? He’s now a Staff Nurse.
Anyway, I haven’t seen him for years, despite the fact that the both of us live at the same block. Now that we all have our own lifts, he doesn’t take the lift near my apartment anymore and hence I seldom see him around.
I think among my primary school friends, I’m the only one who kept up with stuff happening in his life? Haha sometimes it’s not on purpose. Like the few times I met with his ex-gf Dawn, and another girl previously who was with him. I met them at the void deck, bus stop, etc. So weird. And he told me that Dawn knows who I am because he told her before.
If there was only one primary school buddy that I had, that I am still in contact with, it’ll definitely be Tiang Peng. Even though it’s not frequent.
I had a spat of quarrel with him once last year, on Facebook. Haha It was kinda public but whatever.
Anyway, back to the topic, I met him at the bus stop and we went to look for MJ’s Dad’s wake =/ “Look for” because we had no idea where it is, and it was all based on his memory of where MJ used to stay -.- Win.
They were doing their prayers when we reached, and we didn’t know anyone else, so the both of us just sat at one area and started chatting about our lives, our families, what we are doing, etc. I realised that he’s the only one who knows my status now (among all the other primary school friends).
Then during the prayer breaks, MJ gave us some food. =x And BS came down and chit chatted with us.
I kinda miss how these friends never judge me, despite me being quiet and all, but I kinda couldn’t shake off something that will always appear in my mind whenever I see them. Something from the past…
I met Hui Qian too! She used to be my really good friend who I always follow around back in Primary 1. I don’t think she remembers that honestly, but yea. =/ Kinda weird though.
okay, that was yesterday.
This morning, I received a message from Sakinah, that she’s getting married! And I’m invited!
There was this sudden urge of me wanting to get married too! Coz I always like going to weddings! Some of it may be kinda cheesy, but it’s always everyone being happy and seeing everyone again. Since Sakinah’s like my Secondary school friend, it’ll definitely be an even happier occasion
This is kinda cool, you know, now that I’m at the age where my friends my age are getting married. Hehe. The weddings that I used to attend, they are mainly of older friends. Also, it’s going to be the first Malay wedding that I’m attending!! So cool!
(Faizal, I am waiting for your wedding haha)
Had a chat with Kelvin yesterday at our little detour after a trip to the client’s. haha. I think everywhere I have one buddy where there are no inhibitions in whatever I say and maybe at work it is Kelvin. (Hello Kelvin, if you are reading this)
Ryan gave us all a shock on Monday too when he came back with an announcement. Two, in fact. That it really shocked us. I hope the other announcement won’t happen. Because it really makes me not believe in relationships even more.
Just found out that my sec school friend Simin is getting married too! Quite glad that there are some relationships that definitely last. She has been with her bf for so many years!
Check out Facebook for pics.
